Waiting is hard. I've never been patient and I have never enjoyed waiting for things to happen, especially when I was really excited about something. But I have never experienced a wait like this, one that can end at any moment or go on forever. We have been waiting for a baby for almost seven years and I am so tired of waiting. The unknowns of when and if and how are really hard to bear.
When we first started trying to get pregnant, I was optimistic and excited and didn't mind waiting so much. Because I thought we would only have to wait 9 months before welcoming a baby into our lives. But that wasn't the case, that wait turned into many years. As the months turned to years, my optimism faded and I really didn't actually believe that we would get pregnant and bring a baby home. My faith in my body was failing and I stopped saying "when we have a baby" and changed it to "if we ever have a baby". It wasn't until we began down the road of adoption that I started believing this would actually happen for us. I still didn't know when or how but I really did believe that it would happen. And I still believe that. I really do.
The problem is, I don't know when or how. Indefinite waiting is so hard. We could be getting a call/email today with a potential situation that leads to our child or we might still need to wait for months or years. I'm not going to lie, this is really hard. Really really hard.
Dan and I have started talking about summer plans and I can't help but think "what if we have a baby then"? It's hard to make plans when you don't know what life will be like at that time. Here's the thing of it though, life can always change at any minute of any day. Whenever you make plans in advance, things could be totally different by the time those plans come about. None of us knows what our lives will look like in 6 months time. I'm trying to remember that. I'm trying really hard to just go on with life as I normally would and not factor children into things. To make plans and organize trips or events or house renovations without thinking "what if we have a baby then". If we are blessed to have a baby by the time those plans comes to fruition, we'll deal with it.
In the meantime though, in this hard waiting period, I will hold on to hope that one day we will have a child to call our own and our dreams will be fulfilled. I will just keep waiting, sometimes not so patiently.